Being listened to and understood helps us feel valued, reassured, and connected. In long-term relationships, feeling truly heard by your partner can sometimes be a challenge. Often, this isn’t due to a lack of willingness to listen, but rather a lack of availability.
A simple way to ensure you’re heard in your relationship is to check whether your partner is available before discussing something important. Often, we approach our partner with something that matters to us, only to find they’re distracted or not fully listening. This can lead to frustration and even conflict.
A more effective approach is to first ask your partner if they’re available to talk and briefly mention what the conversation is about. Your partner’s role in this is to either make themselves available in the moment or let you know when they will be—and then follow through on that commitment. This "appointment-style" communication signals that you value their attention and input.
"Are you available?"
In turn, the partner making time to listen has the responsibility to be present and engaged. However, they also have the right to prioritise what they’re currently focused on, ensuring they are in the right headspace to listen meaningfully when the conversation happens.
It’s common in relationships for one person to frequently bring up important topics while the other rarely initiates discussions. This can leave the more expressive partner feeling isolated and the less expressive partner feeling pressured. By checking availability, the person eager to talk learns to pause and wait for the right moment, while the quieter partner is encouraged to stretch themselves—being open to both listening and expressing their thoughts when they’re ready.
Checking availability is part of the Imago couples coaching and therapy I offer.
