Are you prioritising your relationship?

Steps to Prioritising each other.

1. Notice

It's helpful to take a step back and evaluate how much effort you’re putting into your relationship compared to other connections, such as friendships, extended family, or children. In long-term relationships, partners often receive only the energy that remains after other commitments, rather than being prioritised. While this is understandable, it may not be ideal. Consider asking yourself:

• Do I speak to my partner in the same tones I use with my friends?

  If I did, how might they respond?

• Do I put as much effort into planning time and activities with my partner as I do with my friends or children?

• When was the last time I sent my partner a message just to check in, the way I might with a friend or family member?

• When my partner talks to me, do I make eye contact, pause what I’m doing, and truly listen?

• If I hug my children goodbye before school and at bedtime, do I also do this for my partner before they leave for work or go to bed?

Relationships take work and the more we put in the more we can get back out but it does take both of you to prioritise each other. A common reaction I hear is ‘I/we just don’t have the time for …..’ but would that be something you felt comfortable saying to your child, friend or family if they were asking to spend time with you, be listened to or prioritised in some way?

These questions may shine a light on just some of the things that you might have stopped prioritising in your relationship.

Now think about what you want more of from your partner and ask your partner to do the same (separately).

Ideas

• A kiss goodbye and hello

• A scheduled time each week to listen and just catch up with each other

• Going for a walk just the two of you

• A spontaneous gift

• Being cooked for

• Being told how your partner feels about you or what they appreciate.

• A night when your partner takes care of bedtime with the kids while you take a bath/run/read

• A text each day to show their thinking of you

2. Communicate

Discuss with your partner some of the things that you want to do more of together or that you need from your partner. Tell them how it would make you feel.

It might be tempting in this discussion to talk about all the things that aren't happening in your relationship however this is the most likely way to end up in conflict and disconnection. Instead offer each other compassion by just expressing what you really want or need more of and allowing your partner to share which of these things they're happy to do.

3. Initiate

Ask your partner to pick two or three things they would like to do from what you have shared. This allows choice for you both. Agree to do these things over the course of a week or fortnight.

4. Appreciate

Schedule a time at the end of the week to reflect on how it made you feel and if possible tell your partner how much you appreciate it in the moment or shortly after.

Communicating in an effective way is the most common difficulty I see in couples therapy. If you feel this exercise is going to be too difficult or you tried and got stuck, couples therapy is a great way to explore what’s getting in the way of your connection. Imago therapy helps you to understand yourself and your partner more deeply and I will show you a new way to communicate to help you to really hear and understand each other. See my Couple Therapy page for more info and contact details.